How To Seduce A Human
by Irrepressable
Summary: When the Doctor's feelings for Donna aren't exactly platonic, there's only one thing he can do. Unfortunately, his plans to woo her don't exactly go as planned. 10/Donna


**This fic is a gift for my mother, whose OTP is Doctor/Donna. She wanted some Doctor/Donna love, so here it is. I hope my mother enjoys it and I hope that you enjoy it as well. This story is unrelated to my other oneshots.**

Part 1: The Approach

The Doctor was in a pickle. Recently his feelings towards Donna Noble had become less than platonic. He had fallen head over heels for the feisty ginger and he wasn't sure what to do about it. So, he did what many people did for information: he turned to the Universal Internet. Some of the suggestions would probably get him slapped, but some of it was useful. After a bit of searching, he finally found a plan that just might work.

 _Step 1: Make Eye Contact_

The Doctor was under the TARDIS' console, mostly doing semi-unnecessary tinkering and repair. He was deep in thought, wondering, waiting for the opportunity to begin wooing Donna. When he heard her walk into the console room, he immediately sat upright. A sharp pain ran through him as he accidentally hit his head on the bottom of the console. "Ow!" He muttered, rubbing his head. It was time for the first step. He stood up and dusted his palms off on his pinstriped trousers. He looked directly into Donna's eyes.

 _Step 2: Greet, Approach, and Make Small Talk_

"Hello, Donna!" the Doctor said a bit louder than what was necessary.

His usual manic grin was on his face. Donna was used to it, so she didn't seem to find anything odd about it. The Doctor walked over to her and steeled himself for the part that he would not enjoy. He was rubbish at small talk. Still, he had to try. It was an important step. "It's a bit warm in the TARDIS today, isn't it?" the Doctor commented.

"I don't feel anything different." Donna replied. "If you're going to turn down the temperature, don't turn it down too far."

"Right!" the Doctor said with a smile. "Can't have your little human body getting cold."

The Doctor paused, unsure if Donna would take offense. So, he stammered, "Not that there's anything wrong with your human body. I'm sure that it's resilliant. It's not bad or anything. I've seen much worse looking."

Donna glared at the Doctor and said, "Thanks a lot."

 _Step 3: Suggest Location_

The Doctor had the decency to look sheepish. He didn't want to upset Donna. That would ruin his plans to make her his. Fortunately, his companion seemed to be in a forgiving mood. She then asked the question that the Doctor was hoping to hear. "So," Donna inquired, "What's the plan for today?"

The Doctor leaned against the console and grinned his manic grinn. "Well, I was thinking of a special treat. The sunsets on Aurus IV are said to be nothing short of spectacular. When the suns go down and the moons come out, it's quite the sight."

"What are we waiting for, then?" Donna replied. "Let's go!"

"Ah, but first I have to get a few things ready!" the Doctor said cheerfully. Things seemed to be going according to plan.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Part 2: The Arrival

 _Step 1: Make more small talk._

When they arrived at Aurus IV, the pair left the TARDIS. The doctor had a large, mysterious basket in hand. They had landed on a cliff facing the sea. There was a table in a secure location. Surely there would be a good view of the sunset. It was still a couple hours before sunset. He still had time to prepare things. Until then, he would have to make small talk. Again. The weather seemed to be a safe subject. "So," the Doctor said, "It's rather nice out here. Not too cloudy, not too hot, and not too cold."

"It is pretty nice." Donna agreed, looking out at the sea. "The weather is perfect and the scenery is beautiful."

The Doctor wagged his finger playfully and said, "Ah, but if you think this is beautiful, just wait until sunset!"

"Sounds like a plan." Donna replied with a smile.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

 _Step 2: Be a Gentleman_

As the evening approached, the Doctor began to set up. He opened the basket, which had been set next to the table. First, he pulled out a table cloth. With a dramatic flourish, he let it flutter down onto the table. Next came the candles. He set them down on the table top. It was getting to be very close to the sunset. He then pulled out one of the chairs and gestured towards it. "Your seat, madame."

Donna raised a brow. "You're unusually well-behaved. Is something wrong?"

"Nope!" the Doctor replied, ending the word with a pop. "Just a fun evening for the Doctor and Donna Noble!"

"All right." the human said suspiciously.

 _Step 3: Set the Mood_

Donna walked over to the table and started to sit down. Unfortunately, the Doctor forgot to push the chair back in as his companion lowered herself. With a startled cry, Donna fell backwards and landed hard on her rear. She glared at the Doctor. She then stood up, pushed the chair in a bit, and sat down. The Doctor hoped that things would go better from there on. The Time Lord sat down as well. All he had to do was wait until sunset.

Sunset came quickly and, just as he had said, it was spectacular. He watched as the orange light of the fading suns illuminated Donna's face. Her only comment was a breathy "Wow."

As the sunset faded, the Doctor began lighting the candles for light and atmosphere. Donna looked back in his direction. When he saw how the candlelight danced across the human female's face, he could feel his blood rushing to his face as his hearts began to beat faster. He was lucky that in the low light, Donna could not see his blush.

 _Step 4: Complement Her_

"So," the Doctor said, "You look rather nice this evening. For a human, that is."

Donna frowned. The Doctor quickly covered his words. "Not that there's anything wrong with you. Being a human. Some humans aren't ugly. You're one of them."

Donna paused and said, "Thanks... I think."

 _Step 5: Wine Time_

The Doctor reached down into the basket and pulled out a bottle of wine and some wine glasses. He hoped that this would work. He knew that many human females liked wine. He hoped that Donna was one of them. He uncorked the bottle and poured them each a glass of wine. He handed one of them to Donna, who smelled the wine before giving it a sip. "It's good." Donna said with a smile.

The Doctor smiled back. As he reached for his wine glass, he fumbled it, spilling wine all over the front of his clothes. Damn it! Better keep positive. The Doctor grinned awkwardly and said, "Oops!"

"That's probably going to stain." Donna said with a frown. "I hope you can get it to come out."

The Doctor waved his hand dismissively and said, "If I can't, I have a spare suit."

 _Step 6: Bring a Gift_

It was time for the next step of the Time Lord's plan to seduce his companion. Once again, he reached into the basket and pulled out a bag with tissue paper sticking out of the top. "I figured that you deserved a gift." The Doctor said with a charming smile.

Donna seemed supicious. "Doctor, what did you do?" she asked accusingly.

"Nothing!" the Doctor replied hastily. "Can't I just give someone a gift? Open the bag!"

Donna gave the Doctor a hard look before reaching into the bag. She pulled out a little jar with a banana on it. She read the print on the bottle out loud. "Organic banana body hand cream with aloe and natural skin-nourishing vitamins."

The Doctor smiled happily. "Do you like it?"

Donna opened the jar and pulled out a dab of hand cream, rubbing it all over her hands. She began to thank the Doctor, but then her hands started turning red as they broke out in a rash. Donna looked at her hands in alarm. "I think I'm allergic to something in the hand cream."

"So sorry, Donna!" the Doctor apologized. Damn. His efforts had backfired. "Shall we move on to the meal? It might keep your mind off your hands."

"It had better be good." Donna huffed.

 _Step 7: Appetizers_

The Doctor nodded and once again reached into the basket. He pulled out two plates full of oysters. He had read somewhere that humans viewed oysters as an aphrodesiac. Hopefully, that would get her in the mood and make her more receptive to his advances. The pair then began to eat. As they devoured the oysters, the Doctor noticed that Donna's face was turning red and puffy. He was alarmed. "Donna, you're not going into anaphylaxia, are you?" the cried out.

"I think I'm allergic to oysters." Donna grumbled. "Let's move on to the next course."

The Doctor grinned sheepishly and returned to the basket. Donna gazed at the basket for a second, smirked, and said, "Let me guess: the basket is bigger on the inside."

"Right-o, Donna Noble!" the Doctor said with forced cheerfulness. "Now, it's time for the entree!"

 _Step 8: The Entree_

The Doctor extracted two more plates, each with mashed potatoes, fish fingers, and veggies on it. Donna looked balefully at her plate. She seemed less than impressed, but she still ate her meal. There was an awkward silence. The Doctor wasn't sure what to say. Things didn't seem to be going all that well. The quiet seemed to stretch on forever. Quickly, the Time Lord stood up and declared, "Right. It's time for dessert!"

 _Step 9: The Dessert_

The Doctor once again turned to the basket. He pulled out a skillet, some sliced bananas, some other ingredients, a heat source, and some rum. He caramellized the bananas in the skillet, being careful not to burn them. Finally, it was time to flambe. He poured a little bit of rum into the skillet. With a dramatic whoosh, the fire shot up from the pan, into the Doctor's face. He could feel the intense heat across his skin as something caught fire. "Doctor!" Donna cried out in alarm.

The Time Lord quickly leapt back, away from the food. He quickly patted out the fire in his hair and checked to see if anything else was burnt. "Doctor, are you okay?" Donna asked.

"I'm as right as rain!" the Doctor replied. "My face and hair are fine. I still have my dashing good looks!"

Donna rolled her eyes. Then something on the Doctor's face seemed to catch her attention. She began to snicker. The Doctor frowned and asked, "What? What is it?"

"Doctor, your eyebrow." Donna laughed.

The Doctor reached up to feel his eyebrows, only to discover that one of them was gone. The flame from the bananas foster had burned his eyebrow off! This evening just kept getting worse and worse. The Doctor got some bowls out and began to dish up the banana dessert. He then pulled some ice cream from the basket. Amazingly, it was still the ideal temperature. He put a scoop of ice cream in each bowl. Donna took a bite and closed her eyes, letting out a pleasured moan. The Doctor's face turned pink again. He wanted her to do that again, only in a different scenario. They both took their time eating the bananas foster. They both enjoyed the dessert. Once it was done, the Doctor declared that it was coffee time. The Doctor once again pulled something out of the bigger-on-the-inside basket. It was a thermos of coffee. He poured them each a cup. In his haste to hand the cup over to Donna, he fumbled it, accidentally spilling it on the woman's lap. Donna let out a shriek of pain. "Donna, I'm so sorry!" the Doctor cried.

Donna cringed in pain, but she still said, "Just... pour me another cup."

The Doctor nodded and poured her another cup of coffee. Donna took a sip of the coffee and made a disgusted face. "Terrible!" She gagged.

 _Step 10: Music and Dancing_

The Doctor once again was sheepish. He tried to make things romantic, but he kept messing things up. It was time to step up his game. It was time to move on to the next step. The Doctor once again reached into the basket and pulled out a small device. He pressed a series of buttons on it and music began to play. He held his hand out to Donna, smiled his most charming smile, and said, "May I have this dance?"

Donna accepted his hand and stood up. "Okay, now I _know_ that you've done something."

Donna still seemed suspicious, but she said nothing and began to dance with him. A few songs later, a slow song began to play. The Doctor moved Donna's hands to his shoulders and placed his hands on their waist and began to slow dance with her. "You're acting really weird." Donna whispered in his ear. When the Doctor felt his companion's warm breath caress his ear, he had to fight a shudder and repress a pleased groan.

The Doctor grinned and replied. "Weird? Nah. Just trying to make for a nice evening."

"Riiiiight." Donna said suspiciously.

 _Step 11: Kiss Her_

As the dancing continued, the Doctor slowly pulled Donna closer to him until she was practically flush with his body. She looked up at him, confusion in her eyes. The Doctor smiled his most charming smile at her as his heart swelled with happiness. At last, things were going to plan. Donna looked away from him for a moment before looking back at him. The Doctor looked directly into her eyes. It was now or never. The Time Lord closed his eyes and slowly began to close the distance between their faces. He was mere inches away from kissing her when he heard her grunt. He opened his eyes and saw an expression of pain on her face. The Doctor looked down and saw that he had stepped on her toes. Quickly, Donna pulled away from him. She crossed her arms over her chest and said, "Doctor, you're acting stranger than usual. I don't know if you've done something wrong and are trying to make up for it. I don't know why you're doing this. Just what are you trying to pull?"

The Doctor ran a hand through his singed brown hair. A thousand possible lies ran through his head, but he couldn't bring himself to tell any of them. It was time to reveal the truth.

 _Step 12: Tell Her How You Feel_

The Doctor forced himself to look Donna directly in the face. "I'm trying to woo you." the Doctor admitted.

"Woo me?" Donna questioned

"Yes." The Doctor explained. "Woo you. You see, I sort of..."

He looked away, the words caught in his throat. "You 'sort of' what?" Donna asked, her arms still crossed over her chest.

"I sort of fancy you." The Doctor admitted. "I've felt this way about you for weeks. When I think of you, I can't think of anything else. When you smile at me, I can't breathe. You make my hearts beat faster and my palms sweaty. What I'm trying to say is... oh, this is hard."

The Doctor put his hands on Donna's shoulders and looked her directly in the eyes. He was determined to say this. It needed to be said. "What I'm trying to say," the Doctor finally said, "is that I'm in love with you, Donna Noble."

 _Step 13: Kiss the Girl_

The Doctor gently cupped Donna's chin and slowly moved his face towards hers. He tilted her head just so and pressed his lips to hers. Finally. This was pure bliss. Nothing was better than this. He could still taste the bananas foster on her lips. This was heaven. He wanted this kiss to go on forever. When Donna abruptly pulled away, the Doctor's hearts plummeted. Before he knew what was happening, he felt a sharp pain across his cheek. Donna had slapped him.

The Doctor gaped at Donna before stammering, "Donna, I-"

She then grabbed him by the back of his head and crushed her lips to his. The Doctor moaned and pulled her flush against his body. Donna's kiss gradually became more gentle. Taking the opportunity, the Doctor ran his tongue across the human's lips. She opened her mouth, allowing him access, his tongue dancing over hers. When Donna finally broke away, she was panting. She gazed at him through her lashes, her lips swollen from the harsh kiss. After she caught her breath, Donna kissed the Doctor once more. She let out a soft laught against his lips before asking, "What took you so long?"

"Why did you slap me?" the Doctor responded.

"Because you're an idiot." Donna replied. "You didn't have to go through all this. Why didn't you just tell me you wanted to be more than friends?"

The Doctor paused. That hadn't really occurred to him. "Umm..."

Donna sighed and said, "Just shut up and kiss me."

So he did.


End file.
